Holier Than Thou Assholes For $200

I'll Take Holier Than Thou Assholes For $200 Alex

I ackshully caught this nonsense on TV as I got home from my wage slavery containment facilitah. The story was so nutty I had to go to the Internets for verification. I knew that it would be just the sort of item I could present to you, my loving audience. I proudly present the following ABC News excerpt:

June 7, 2005 — The newest battle in the culture wars is being waged on the telephone lines. In a departure from the standard telemarketing calls aimed at selling long distance service, United American Technology has taken telemarketing to a whole new level.

The Oklahoma-based long distance carrier, which describes itself as a Christian conservative company, is seeking like-minded customers by bad-mouthing bigger rivals for their "sinful" behavior.

"Our base, which would be a conservative base, really does not like the same-sex marriage that has been pushed down our throat," UAT consultant Carl Thompson told ABC News.

UAT niche markets its service by railing against Internet pornography, homosexuality, and then criticizing competing phone companies it claims promote both.

Many major corporations — ranging from huge hotel chains to telecommunications firms that carry cable television and Internet services — have profited, in one form or another, from adult entertainment.

Gee, how in Hades did they overlook their close friends in the Catholic Church?

But some say UAT takes its politics too far. New York City comedian Eugene Mirman was so astonished by a UAT call he received, he recorded it. Mirman believes he was contacted — as something of a joke — because he donated $51 to the 1996 presidential campaign of Republican Alan Keyes.

"I got a phone call," Mirman said. "It was a recording and it said: 'Hi, I'm the mother of three, and I don't support gay marriage. If you don't support gay marriage press one.' I have something hooked up to my phone to record phone calls, and so I scrambled and found it … Every time they would call, I would record it because it was crazy."

In one of the "crazy" exchanges he recorded, the telemarketer starts her sales pitch by asking about Mirman's stance on same-sex marriage:

UAT TELEMARKETER: OK. Eugene, did you press 1 to oppose same sex marriages?
MIRMAN: Oh, I pressed it, yes.
UAT: OK, that's great to hear. Now are you against same-sex marriages?
MIRMAN:: Well I want to destroy it, yes.
UAT: OK, that's great to hear. And Eugene -
MIRMAN: With the fist of God, we will smash them!
UAT: Exactly. Uh, Mr. Mirman, our organization is dedicated to people such as yourself who want to stop same-sex marriages and to quit doing business with companies that promote and profit from the homosexual lifestyle.
MIRMAN: Some companies profit from homosexuality?
UAT: That's correct.
MIRMAN: By selling sex favors?
UAT: No. Such as AT&T, what they do …
MIRMAN: AT&T sells sex favors?
UAT: No, no. What it is is they own the Hot Network, which is a hardcore pornography channel … They also give millions of dollars to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance group.
(AT&T actually has sold its division that owned the Hot Network, but Thompson says that's immaterial since the company still makes money off phone sex calls.)

There is more, but I don't want to deprive you of the laughs you'll get when you read what Mirman does with this stupid sack of shit. Full story: http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/Business/story?id=827643&page=1

The sad thing about all this is that this kind of crap no longer surprises me. These holy rollers aren't going to be happy until they succeed in turning this country into a totalitarian Christian nation, and woe be to anyone who doesn't buy into their specific delusions.

But, on a lighter note, for some extremely twisted comedy, check out Eugene Mirman's web site: http://www.eugenemirman.com/